As I sit here this morning a bit sad that I missed the morning sunrise on the beach and a bit thankful for the ability to sleep in after a day of travel, I am taking the time to remember. My loves are still asleep (at 9:30...AT THE BEACH when there is sand to dip our feet in) and I am here writing. Today is my sweet Lennon's 2nd birthday. I told a friend recently that two seems so much harder than one. One was a bit of a milestone....not in the "it's been a year you can move on now" kind of way but in a way that reminded me that I had survived. That I had experienced the unimaginable and yet I was still breathing-still living. And maybe not the healthiest way and maybe not how others thought I should...but I was still alive. But two, it is just a cruel reminder that this is forever.Surprisingly as I sit here and remember the doctor's appointment and the amnio and the receptionist that (thankfully) couldn't fit us in for our next very important appointment, I am reminded of the woman who kept it together when her world was falling apart. The woman whose water broke at 32 weeks. The woman who had just learned that her unborn son was very sick. The woman who labored in an ambulance...whose contractions went from 8 minutes to 1 minute in under an hour. The woman who successfully vbac'd her baby boy. The woman who held her beautiful son. The woman who cradled death in her arms. The woman who lived when all she wanted to do was die.
I never imagined that life would continue after Lennon died. I thought it was cruel to even think of living without him. But slowly, life continued. I would never have imagined the peace I would feel today. When I separate out the anxiety of trying to get pregnant from my grief I realize that there is peace. And while there is still sadness and that heavy feeling on my chest that accompanies an inability to breath, it isn't every day. In fact, there are more days when I smile than cry.
~Happy Birthday Lennon, Happy Birthday to You~